First impressions probably count

His CV was impeccable, his references were excellent, his shoes were polished to perfection but for him, there would be no second interview.

Celebrities and their feeble excuses

I wouldn't know, officer. There were so many people at the club and it was really dark, so I couldn't see who sewed their stash of cocaine into my pants.

So your modelling hopes didn't work out

Don't despair, you can still preserve your dignity at public events with the right combination of gold lamé and mesh.

Pardon me little one, are you breakfast or lunch?

No coupling on the dance floor please

Hey Tom, check out my sexy womanly curves. Doesn't it make you want to try for another baby?

Not now Katie. Can't you see I'm in the middle of showing the Beckhams how to bust into a funky purification rundown?

The top flips down for easy access

From Madame Tussaud's to Miss Hong Kong

Right: I can't believe my tiara is rejecting me. Is it confused by my slightly masculine features?

Left: I can't believe I lost to a wax mannequin. Time to arrange a little accident with some lighter fluid and matches.

You think the situation in Afghanistan is bad?

You try making movies that nobody watches so that you can keep up with alimony. And coping with the constant pressure to be everybody's favourite philandering bastard. Look at what it's done to this hairline. Now that's what I call a real crisis.

Small consolation

I may not be as well-paid as Forbes' richest supermodel Gisele Bundchen, but I'll have you know that I do get to keep some of the clothes I model.

We're just wild about Harry

Ooh here he comes! OK get ready the Golden Snitch for the boy wizard to sign, and make sure he puts a powerful spell on it too - it will be worth more on Ebay that way! And Hermione-chan, quit looking like you're about to drag him off to the nearest broom cupboard. I don't know where you've been getting those lame spoilers from, but I'm pretty sure Harry doesn't get snogged to death by you. If anything, he probably dies of embarrassment after visiting our world and discovering all the inappropriate lust for him.

It happens sooner or later

Hey Kirsten, do I look kind of saggy to you?

Duh Jack, it's called gravity. It's supposed to have hit most people by the time they're 70, or in some instances, in the prime of their youth.

Trawling the red carpet for a one-night stand

Entrapment by design

"Ha-ha!", laughed Tara in triumph at her wayward breasts. "Let's see you try and escape now from this hellish prison of stripes!"

I can do pink but perky's gonna cost extra

I hope my date goes well tonight

You will make the cutest little airbag ever!

The benefits of being a top model

The designers love me so much, I'm practically up to my neck in clothes!

Couple's quest to visit Knut has a happy ending

Come on down to our pedicure party

But remember to bring your own cotton balls!

Bursting with patriotism for her new homeland

Keeping it in the family

There was nothing in his wardrobe that hadn't been lovingly knitted or sewn by an elderly female relative.

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