Wednesday, November 29, 2006

This is not the most comfortable pose for me

Please take me home and lay me out in front of a fireplace instead.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Sometimes I have a problem with mascara clumping

Monday, November 27, 2006

Better than a pet kinkajou

How cute! Do you want to swap him in return for Tinkerbell?

Friday, November 24, 2006

All dressed up and nowhere to move

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Thank Heaven for Little Girls

Wilmer had to move quickly for JoJo was due to turn 16 next month, leaving her only a few prime dating years left.

The key to comfortable travel is to layer your clothing

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Accept no substitutes!

How in the world am I ever going to meet another woman like Jessica again?

Monday, November 20, 2006

Welcome to Cheers, the spa where everybody knows your name

Enjoy the festivities from your own living pod

Not all of them could make it to the wedding but one of the aliens was able to transmit a live satellite broadcast of the happy event to everyone else in space.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

We have stormed the fortress and liberated the prisoners' sensuality!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

I know you probably hear this a lot but I'm your biggest fan

Some day I hope to act as convincingly in my personal sex tapes as you have done.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Not all fairy godmothers are created equal

I'm sorry girls, my wand is broken so we'll just have to improvise. What have we got to work with?

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

He knows if you've been good or bad

Why, hello there, little girl. Now if I overlook all your crappy behaviour and fashion sins over the past year, and present you with this wondrous bauble, will you promise to disappear from public view forever?

Monday, November 13, 2006

Here she comes, avoid all eye contact!

Ever since my successful hair grafting operation, people can't stop pretending to look the other way.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Or would you rather I put this sack over my head instead?

Thursday, November 09, 2006

The Shopping Bag Bra does have its uses after all

When I get tired of posing suggestively with a baguette, I just stuff it in my underwear.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

What a wonderful feeling

It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest, revealing my strangely lopsided breasts.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Thankfully all the "cool kids" at our school are colourblind

Monday, November 06, 2006

Come on Madeleine, even I knew that he was of that persuasion

Friday, November 03, 2006

How dare you call my wife healthy-looking!

ba da bum ba ba I'm Lovin' It!

Ronald McDonald's debut ready-to-wear collection was described as "efficient", "high in fat content" and "really quite affordable".

Thursday, November 02, 2006

This technology is from the 1970s just like my moustache

A subtle distinction

I'm just crazy about boots (as opposed to being just crazy).

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The itinerant playboy

These alpacas are such chick magnets, I never know whose bed I'll be sleeping in tonight and whether the pillows will offer adequate orthopedic support!

Just looking after it for a friend

As Nicole Richie's stylist and therefore her most trusted adviser, I will be guarding her sternum closely while she is in rehab.