First day on the job

I hope I blend in with my new colleagues. I was told that they like to keep things fairly neutral around here.

Passing the torch

Am I supposed to put this tiara on her head? But she's spent so much time on her hair, I don't want to be the one ruining it. I know, maybe I'll just drop it in front of her and yell "Here, catch!". She reacted quite fast with the whole screaming-hands to the face-uncontrollable tears thing when her name was called out so she must have good reflexes.

Yay he didn't pick me!

When the bidding was over, Miss Japan was ecstatic to find out that she wouldn't have to go on a date with that weird guy and his crappy flowers. Meanwhile Miss Brazil sighed and heaved her exquisite bosom, lamenting the inability of men to find her physically repulsive.

That's the last time I let Lindsay drive me home

Among other things that were found by police in the wrecked Mercedes SL65 convertible, was a tiger cub with suspiciously dilated pupils.

Most embarrassing camp moment

That one time I went into the bushes to powder my nose and came out with my sleeping bag tucked into my underwear. Thank goodness there was no toilet paper around to get stuck to my shoes!

Can you spare me some change, mister?

I need to buy myself some new clothes and a decent stylist.

On the hunt for a killer gown

We were on the third day of our safari with not a single souvenir to bring home then I saw a cheetah that was just about my size....

A show of hands please

OK now, raise your hand if you think your costume is a total and utter embarrassment, and people who don't know better keep mistaking you for a nationalistic French prostitute.

Instantly identifiable

It seemed only fitting to recognise America's two most popular icons - Elvis and the sideboob.

To think, we turned down a gig at Sea World for this

Although Miss Dominican Republic was a crowd favourite, there were dark mutterings among the other finalists about her irreverent, almost flippant approach to the national costume round.

Tomorrow we fight for victory to bring honour to our ancestors

But tonight let's go club hopping and put these funky spangly codpiece thingys to good use!

Can't stop and chat, I better get home to my boys

The thing is, I don't want to leave them with the babysitter for too long. She gives off such a trashy, skanky vibe.

Not all the contestants made it past this round

Fortunately for Miss Argentina, they decided not to use the jet engine as a substitute wind machine.



Unfortunately for Miss Costa Rica, they did.

Next update: Thursday May 17

I could use a little fabric up here please

Easier than riding a bike

Once I figured out the centre of gravity, I quickly learnt to steer this dress without falling down.

A perfect disguise

Nobody will recognise me with my bra on.

The Old Man and the Sea

He was an old man who fished unalone in a skiff in the Gulf stream and he had gone 84 days now without taking a fish because each time he thought he'd caught something, he'd reel it in to find it was only an old boot, a toupee, maybe a Hudson Hawk DVD, then sure enough his goddamn ex-wife's annoying husband would jump up and start screaming "You've been Punk'd!".

Whoa, would you get a load of those puppies!

Life after Victoria's Secret

At last, I am free to channel male fantasies through modelling drab sacklike clothing!

It's Oh So Loud

Try as they could, none of the paintballers could get rid of the bizarre wailing sound that plagued their precious tournament.