Arrgh my legs won't stay closed!

You'll have to bring in the biggest 3-day old fish you can find to mask the smell of my decaying nether regions.

Big jolly and wrinkled

They could tell that Santa had come and gone by looking at the rubble that used to be their fireplace and the mess of peanut shells strewn across the carpet.

Next update: Wednesday 27 December

Can you tell me how to shop, how to shop on Sesame Street

I spend so much on designer clothing, I can only afford to live in a silver trash can.

Not my type but we can just sit and talk for a bit

You're dressed a bit too conservative for my tastes, but what the heck, let's get you and your foot-long studded vibrating whip back to my hotel room as soon as possible.

They called me up at the last minute so I didn't have much time to prepare

I know it's a bit premature to talk about quitting my day job but I would love for this to turn into a regular gig.

An interesting proposition

You know, my wife and I are going through a rough patch right now and I'm looking for a strange friendship and partnership that will just happen and involve lots of sex in various exotic locales.

I see...does your wife have blonde hair and that attainable girl-next-door thing going on?

I fill out the dress much better than she did

I hope people don't mind, I made a few small improvements to Audrey Hepburn's Tiffany dress.

Totally relaxed and ready to tackle an 8 hour nap

Hmmm you're very tense. You must lead quite a stressful life.

Hey, that's exactly how Katie gave birth to Suri!

Please excuse the alien being residing within me, it likes to pop out whenever there are photo opportunities.

Victim of the notorious Sleeve-Tugging Urchin Gang

She ain't heavy, she's my ho

I'm going to make my relationship with Kid Rock last for at least 6 hours!

Keeping it in the family

All right stop, Collaborate and Listen

OK let's spin you around really fast and throw you up in the air to see whether those flowers stay stuck on.

Only if you let me jab you in the nuts with my skates to see how well those white pants soak up blood

Mascara wands at dawn

What's your problem dog? You want a piece of me? Huh? Do ya? Let's take it outside pansy boy! I'm gonna give you the sexiest smokiest eyes you've ever seen!

All I want for Xmas are some good front teeth

And you thought only cats were this catty

You're so lucky, you can wear white without looking as fat as you usually do.



Oh stop! I wish I could make fake fur look so luxurious.