A concerned parent

Dear me, is this what American children are reading nowadays? This Dr Seuss fellow could learn a thing or two about writing from Madonna.

This is a bank robbery

Hand over the money and be quick about it. I've got to pick up my pants before the drycleaner closes and get to my hair appointment in time!

It's amazing what you can find among the plush tropical rainforests

thought Tara just before she passed out from the suffocating constriction of her chastity device.

Maybe he got into an accident on the way?

Sometimes being the first one to turn up for a blind date is not such a good strategy.

Worldly possessions

In the one hand I have the most important thing in my life. In the other, I have something that I could drop and probably not miss too much, given my already extensive collection of similar objects.

The tissue paper adds to the suspense

When I spring out from the box do I need to yell "Surprise!" or is that a given?

We must not fail in our duty

Katie are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That in the future there will be soulless robotic things that are automatically programmed to spend our husbands' money for them but until then we must shoulder this responsibility?

Exactly. Now load up your inbuilt tracking system and scan the area for a Barney's department store.

Wash art separately to avoid colours running

This dolphin sure tastes familiar

They had to soak me in vodka for a few hours before Tara would agree to touch me.

Keeps meat fresh for up to 5 runway shows

Thanks to the hermetic wonders of plastic wrap, catwalk models are no longer in danger of becoming spoilt airheads.

Do these stubby little paws look like they're made for counting carbs?

A gloriously misspent youth

All this time I wasted away hanging out with my buddies on the red carpet, I could have been fulfilling my dreams of being a star quarterback.

Too many people rely on the luxury of central heating

When all they have to do is throw on an extra sweater or two.

Public Health Advisory

Warning: Long-term use of the Sony PSP can lead to hair loss, vision impairment and skin discolouration.

This dress makes me look as two-dimensional as my acting

In need of some swaddling

It's going to be a long winter, plus I've come down with a touch of colic.

Lack of chemistry

It was important for Keith to go into rehab because alcohol and oil don't mix.

Keeping the dirt away from one's freshly manicured nails

Ooh lordy the stories I could tell you about the Jeffersons' shih tzu, it would raise your fur on end! All kinds of male "friends" coming in and out of her kennel at ungodly hours. The way that little hussy chases after the mailman, it's just so shameless!

I'm here to make your toilet paper roll look real fierce

I think she had help from her parents

Thank you for voting my new interpretation of the Milky Way Galaxy as the winning science fair project!

Size matters

Holy...would you look at the size of that divorce package! Go on, don't be shy, show us what it's inside! How much alimony did you stuff in there?