It must be the costume

Most people I visit on Halloween night aren't that interested in the treat part of trick-or-treating.

Harbinger of death by cuteness

Why is everyone shrieking at me but not looking scared?

Palpable relief

Thank god the front of my dress isn't cut any lower than this.

Petty office gripes

I wish they would stop waxing the internal staircase at our firm



It would be good if they installed some handrails as well

Tara Reid recommended him to me

How many more catwalk shows will I have to do before I can afford to fix these botched upper arm implants?

It's been a while

I can't remember the last time I went shopping for a new pair of pants

The temptation of a designer spa bath proved too great

Corruption had infiltrated even the highest echelons of Tibetan lamadom.

Yay it's Laksa Day at the staff cafeteria

Masters of disguise

I think our disguise is working. The people at this party don't seem to recognise us.

Yeah nobody's invited us to go freebasing so far.

Some things can't be beaten

Even my body armour and tactical prowess with the folding fan could not stop them from taking away my lunch money.

A diamond is forever? Yeah, bite me.

An ultimatum

I refuse to get out of the car until all your cameras are trained directly on my crotch.

Don't come too close, my gown may infect you with Ebola

Are your sleeves weighing you down?

Apparently so.

An inconvenient truth

According to my calculations, we will have slept with every woman on earth by the year 2010. We will be totally screwed in every sense of the word.

Oops my golden assbands seem to have slipped off

Come with me if you want to live!

No thanks I'd rather stay here to wallow in despair and ponder the futileness of life itself.

Oh please PLEASE tell me you are single again

I can't wait to take my medal home....

and malevolently rip it into shreds with my prizewinning claws

Boob etiquette

Count 'em, there's two there.



No need to point them out Lindsay dear. People know where to look.

It only takes one phallic symbol to complete a lingerie ad

And so the children's party season begins

Victim of the vengeful gods

Aaaaaargh! A bus just ran over my hair and makeup stylist!

Fear of intimacy

Now the early morning commuters will have no choice but to respect my personal space.

I can't believe she got to keep me in the divorce

A fleeting opportunity

Gather round children and enjoy grasping my hands, for I may never pass this way again.

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Things you probably didn't know about Japan

In Japan, every time a new Louis Vuitton store opens, the entire country breaks out into song and dance.

I'm sure I forgot to pack something

Apu can you turn this back around to America? I think I left something important behind.



(Back in America) Oh no she accidentally took the boy instead! I'll have to courier this to Ms Jolie straightaway. It should last her the whole week.

Bag of Bones: The Only It Bag You Need For Next Season!

First your soul dies, then your lips follow

Avoiding workplace accidents

If you are prone to bumping into pointy edges or falling down stairs, fill in a requisition form for bubble wrap.

The Holy Grail of Beauty

I'm so glad they finally made makeup to cover up strikingly flawless and symmetrical features.

At Oktoberfest, the more you drink, the more jugs appear

Link of the Day: Fifth Annual Boobiethon for Breast Cancer Awareness Month

One of the many perks

If you're rich and famous apparently you can have your cake and pretend to eat it too!

Lessons from the Masters

Oh so now you have a problem with me? Can't you bozos even recognise method acting when you see it?



Damn right kid.

Am I too late to the party or just partying too late?

Every model's nightmare

The photographers went into a frenzy when she accidentally caused, not one, but two nipple zips.

It beats robbing a bank

Just a little bit closer over the edge, then I can collect on that hefty insurance policy.

Miss World: Triumph and Tragedy

I can't believe how far my breasts have brought me!



And I can't believe how much my legs let me down! *sob*

Pure disdain

God I can't stand her. I bet she doesn't even have the talent to shoplift a candy bar from a 7-Eleven let alone luxury goods from a high-end department store.